Down time on the Crusade
by Nymphean
Summary: When things get boring on Gaea, the gang decides to take things into their own hands... to hilarious results which involve poker, gigantic hairclips and, for some odd reason, Elvis Costello...
1. Down Time on the Crusade

Down time on the Crusade

**Down time on the Crusade**

** **

It's a lovely night on the planet Gaea, the two moons clearly visible in the darkening sky. Resting serenely on the horizon is the airship 'The Crusade', in which our heroes reside. Let us take a closer look...

...A change of scene, and we are inside the Crusade, looking upon a rather odd bunch of people surrounding a circular table. While the members of this riffraff crowd quite obviously have nothing in common, one thing links them together at this very moment: playing cards. Yes, that's right, playing cards. Shall we investigate further? Well, all right then, here we go...

Member #1 of our strange crowd is Van Fanel, the 15 year old king of the now-dufunked country of Fanelia (FANEL, FANELia, freakish coincidence?). Across the table sits Folken Fanel, Van's elder brother and once mortal enemy (Just watch the show, all right?). Let us dwell for a moment on Lord Folken, whose beautiful (yet eminently masculine) features are now causing the author to droll... ("Get out of the story!" cry the readers, "What kind of writer ARE you?")...never mind. Seated next to our supremely handsome Lord is 15 year old Hitomi Kanzaki, a skanky little wench who ought to sue her hairdresser for malpractice. Oh yeah, and she can tell the future (OOH! Let's give her a medal!!). To Folken's right sits Alan Shezar, A knight of Astoria, and beside him is Van's loyal cat-girl, Merle, who is at this moment staring at Van with a loving yet strangely psychotic look on her feline face. Like I said, an odd assemblage, but hey, it's amazing what poker can do!!

Anyway, back to the game. Our heroes seem to be having a very heated discussion over something. Shall we eavesdrop? Ah, all right then...

Folken seems to be protesting over Hitomi's participation in this game. "She can read MINDS, for God's sake! You think she's playing honestly?!" Van and Allen glare viciously at him.

"And I suppose YOU always play by the rules," remarks Allen sardonically. Folken mutters something under his breath that sounds remarkably like "pretty boy" and glares at his cards. Allen tosses his golden mane and hostilely replies "at least I didn't burn my homeland to the ground!"This, apparently, is too much for Folken, who slams his cards on the table and turns furiously towards Allen.

"For the last time, _Fabio_, that wasn't me, that was..." As if on cue, there is a knock on the door, then an "oh, hell, what's the point?", and the next second, the outside door of the Crusade swings off it's hinges, revealing a menacing, albeit short young man. Folken raises his eyebrows at the irony of the situation and finishes his sentence, "...Dilandau."

The pale young man's eyes flash with psychotic fury "Moero!" he screams delightedly, "MOER...Ooo, poker! Deal me in!" Van shrugs his shoulders and everyone shoves over to accommodate the enemy. The game resumes. Conversation is as follows:

Van: Hmm... decent hand...

Hitomi: *under her breath* Bluffer...

Folken: I told you she was cheating! Come on, Back me up here Van! Merle? Allen? Anyone?

Dilandau: I'll back you up!

Allen: You're just sour because you got a crap-ass hand, Folken.

Folken: Shut up. 

Merle: Folken IS right...

Van: *nodding reluctantly* I guess. Sorry Hitomi...

Hitomi: What'd you mean?

Allen: You're out.

Dilandau: In other words, piss off, little girl!

Allen: Do not talk to a woman like that! As men, it is our job to protect poor Hitomi's virgin ears!!

(Dilandau nearly knocks over his drink after hearing the words "virgin" and "Hitomi" in the same sentence.)

The game resumes in silence, minus Hitomi. Five rounds are played, Dilandau losing each and every one. "Van rigged the deck," he whines sulkily. Van gives him the finger.

"You know, Van," begins Allen, "As men, we really should save our tempers for the battle field and act like gentlemen when the ladies are around." 

"Shut up, DiCaprio," mutters Van, furiously rubbing his temples. 

"Now, now, Van," Allen replies sternly. "Do not be bitter! True, you may not be as gorgeous or manly as I, but you do have SOME good qualities, I suppose!" Van and Folken choke on their drinks in unison. Merle laughs out loud. 

"Manly?! Who are you kidding? We all know your little secret!"

Allen's eyes widen. "Shut up, Shut UP!" He yells, his voice raising to abnormally high levels. Dilandau blushes. "Yeah guys, there's nothing wrong with guys who used to be girls!"

Folken cleared his throat. "Dilandau, I would stay out of this if I were you. After all, you had no control over YOUR... transformation. Allen, on the other hand..."

Van laughs. "Hey, apparently transsexuality runs in the family!"

Dilandau cocks his head. "'Runs in the family'? Shall we talk about YOUR older brother, Van FaNEL?" Folken menacingly taps the long, claw like fingers of his mechanical arm on the table, causing Allen to utter a high-pitched squeal. Hitomi cries, then faints. Folken mutters something to the effect of "Thank God". Dilandau becomes bored and sets fire to the playing cards, bringing the poker game to an abrupt halt, then bids our group farewell, saying goodbye, he's going to go set fire to Dryden now(Apparently he feels the need to punish him for bringing back retro fashions...). Allen retires to his chamber with the intention of re-reading the latest Harlequin romance and unfortunately impales himself on an oversized hair clip while leaning over to inspect his pristine reflection (A befitting end, reader, do you not agree?). The light shines on Allen's hair as he falls dead, and we see the faint outline of the words _You're next, Folken! _Van and Folken, sick by now of Merle's whining, decide to shut her and the comatose Hitomi in a closet. The author starts to fall asleep, bored with her own pathetic fanfic, and decides to go to bed. Van and Folken join her. Everything is as it should be. 

Isn't life beautiful?

Fin.


	2. It ain't over 'till it's over...

Down Time *Again*

**Down Time *Again***

** **

When we last left our heroes, the situation looked pretty bleak. After the group's poker game was brought to a fiery halt. This was followed by Dilandau's setting of to ignite Dryden (Yes, literally. Get your mind out of the gutter, you sick, sick reader, you!), Allen piercing his over-zealous heart with a large hair clip, Hitomi and Merle being enclosed in a broom closet, and the Fanel brothers retreating to the author's "chambers" for a nice "sleep". After a lengthy "rest", the brothers Fanel emerge, leaving the author in her room to further disturb herself with elicit fantasies involving cartoon characters... Um, that is to say, leaving her to her writing... yeah ("Please don't bore us to tears with your pathetic personal life," remark our oh-so-understanding readers).

Anyway, back on topic, Folken now turns to Van. "Well, what now?" Asks our tall semi-dark and very handsome Draconian. Van shrugs. "Guess we could let Merle and Hitomi out of the closet..." He turns his head towards the door, which is vibrating from Merle's pounding ("Ooo, Lord Van!!! He'll save me! Lord Van!? Lord... Van...?"). Folken rolls his eyes. 

"Well, I guess the cat girl can come out but... do we really have to free the psychic? She weirds me out..." Van narrows his eyes at his older brother, who steps back. "Okay, okay! We'll let her out..." 

They two release the girls from the closet. Hitomi jumps on Van, exclaiming "My Hero!". It seems that she, in all her idiocy, cannot fathom that her lovely Van was the one who put her there in the first place... But we can forgive her, right? HAH!

Hitomi asks in that stupid, slow voice of hers where Allen has gone to, and Van explains the situation to her. She cries heroically and rushes off in the direction of his room (Hitomi: I'll save him! Folken: Umm, how exactly do you plan to save him when he's already... oh never mind...). There is a large crash, and the door flies off it's hinges for the second time that night, revealing Dilandau in the doorway. How the door got back ON it's hinges shall not be explained now or, for that matter, ever (such is the way of anime...).

"I'm Baa-ack!" cries our Dil, smiling. 

"Hi Dilandau. You're brother's dead," Folken casually remarks at the same time as Van's "Go away". 

"Well, it's about time!" cries Dil, "I thought that guy'd never keel!" Unfortunately for Dilly-poo, Allen now appears in the doorway, supported by Hitomi. "Hello, my homely comrades!" Allen remarks shakily. He is met with various greetings (Think, "What the hell?" "Oh damn, I thought you were dead!" "Aw crap!"). He waves his hand casually and sits down at the table.

"Please, please, do not make a fuss over me, I'm not that hurt! Luckily I was wearing my underwire! The hair clip was stopped by that, thank heavens... But it gave me quite the shock and I must have passed o... What are you all staring at?" The entire group are digesting those last few sentences with looks of sheer horror on their faces (Folken: *left eye twitching slightly* That's just disturbing!" Van: "Ick..."). The shock of Allen's comment wears off quickly, and the rather bored crowd engage themselves in a rather pointless conversation:

Folken: So, Did'you set Dryden on fire?

Dilandau: *sourly* No, I was about to, but he stepped on my toe. It hurt... Prick!

Folken: I laugh at you.

Dilandau: What?!

Folken: Have some stew?

Van: I'm bored

Hitomi: Me too (all nod in agreement)

Allen: There's nothing to do in this god-forsaken country!

Folken: Well, we could always kill Dornkirk...

Van: Hey, good idea! Lets!

Dilandau: Ooo, Death! Count me in!

Folken: Hey, or not! *shoves Dil into the fabled broom closet* 

(Author's note: No, not the figurative "closet". After all, you can't be shoved into something if you never leave it in the first place...)

Dil: *from inside closet* Folken, you idiot, let me out! You'll burn for this, mark my words, YOU'LL BURN!

Van:(To Folken) Is it just me, or is that getting old really quickly?

Scene change. Heroes now stand in front of evil emperor. Evading security was remarkably easy. Dornkirk stares, amazed.

Dornkirk: What are you doing here?

Folken: We're going to kill you.

Van: You are so dead.

Allen: Hey, what conditioner do you use? You have such body and sheen...

Dornkirk: Why thank you! it's Herbal Essen... Did you say you're going to kill me?

Folken: Uh huh! *thrusts sword into Dornkirk*

Van: Umm... brother?

Folken: *violently twisting sword and flinging bits of Dornkirk all over the throne room* Not now, Van! can't you see I'm working here?

Van: Okay... just don't fall off the balcony...

Folken: Please Van, what do I look like, an idioAHHHHHHHHHH! (oh, the irony!)

Van: Brother! *sprouts wings and jumps after Folken, pulling Hitomi, Merle, and a shrieking Allen with him*

Yes, it's happened. Folken has fallen off the balcony, landing in a pool of his own blood. Did I mention he also has a fragment of his own sword lodged in his chest? Yeah, that's right, he's a dead man. Unless...

Van: I can't get this piece of sword out! 

Allen:*sobbing* OH, Folken, don't leave me! If only I could give my life for yours!

Van: Well, actually... I heard once that there's a way to save the life of one who's dying... but it involves an exchange through fire... Where's Dilandau?

Folken: We... locked... him... in...the...closet...

Dilandau: Here I am! Next time you'll do well to remember that wooden doors burn easily!

Van: Great! You got a light?

Allen: Oh, well I wasn't being serious...

Folken: Oh... come... on... 

Van: Yeah,Blondie, be a man!

Hitomi: It's not right that Allen has to die just to save your brother, Van!

Van: *looks ashamed* I guess you have a point. Fine, Allen's spared...

Folken: Thanks... a... lot... Hitomi!

Dilandau: Heh heh, look! I set that butterfly on fire... *Butterfly flaps towards Allen's hair*... oops...

Allen: *shrieking* My hair! My Beautiful hair!!!

Van: Roll, you idiot, roll on the ground! 

Allen falls towards the ground, landing right on top of Folken, who curses loudly. The fire goes out, but as Allen stands up, we hear him shriek with pain. Yes, the unthinkable has happened: The fragment of Folken's sword has snagged on something, sunken into Allen's chest and is now being pulled out of Folken by, you guessed it... Allen's underwire.

Folken: Van, I... I can't feel the pain....

Allen: OWOWOWOWOW!

Folken: Oh, I see... Thanks Shezar! 

Van helps Folken up as Allen falls lifelessly to the ground. Hitomi shrieks. Van stifles a cheer. Merle puts her hands all over Van ("Hey, stop that!"). Folken looks at his wound. Dilandau suggests celebratory drinks. 

Change of scene. A strange bar. Folken has had enough alcohol to numb the pain. Hitomi has had enough alcohol to make her slightly easy (About half a beer), and Dilandau now thinks he's Elvis Costello (!!). Van and Merle have "disappeared". Hitomi begins to find Dil rather attractive. All are drunk. Author "tends" to Folken's "wounds".

Ah, bliss.

Le fin (or is it...)


	3. The Hangover

Down Time: The Hangover

Down Time: The Hangover

A/N: The third 'Downtime' installment… Yea! That's pretty much it… meh. Please excuse the inconsistent spelling of Allen's last name… how do you spell it, anyway? If anyone could e-mail me the answer to this question, I'll be your best friend for life!!! Well, that's all, folks. –The Nymph ;)

When we saw our heroes last, they were celebrating the much anticipated death of Allen "Powder-Puff Pink" Sheazar, the Asturian army's trophy blonde _belle. _Well, after a few hours and many drinks, our favorite group of rebels is seeming considerable braver, including the beautiful, brave Lord Folken, still bleeding slightly from the chest (Author: Oh no, you're bleeding! Maybe you'd feel better if I licked you all over!). Somehow, during the course of the (wild) night, all the remaining members of our group manage to make their way back to the Crusade, where they wake up the following morning. Dilandau is the first to wake, feeling as if he has been beaten about the head by the iron fist of an enormous guymelef. He groans as he rolls over, then shrieks as he sees who is lying beside him. Hitomi Kanzaki's eyes fly open at his cry, and she too begins to yell.

"What the HELL is going on here?" Dilandau's eyes widen at her comment.

"YOU tell ME! Last thing I knew, I was in bed with Bert Bacharach, and next thing I know I'm waking up beside YOU!" He spits, disgusted. Hitomi raises her eyebrows.

"Don't tell me we..." she faints. Dilandau, not knowing what else to do, sets fire to the room and closes the door behind him. In the large common room, he finds a rather shirtless Folken lying on the table, eyes open, motionless.

Dilandau: *Thinks* Could he be dead? Hmm... that'd be nice...

Folken: Hello Dilandau.

Dil: Oh crap. You look like had a little too much fun last night, Folken.

Folken: *sitting up painfully* As do you.

Dilandau: Cat Girls?

Folken: Nope, some strange girl from the "Mystic Moon". 

*Author cries out in horror as she suddenly realizes that the age difference between herself and Folken is the same as that between her Mother and her stepfather (Ewewewew!)*

Dilandau: Oh, I see... Where's Van FaNEL?

Folken: Hmm... I don't know for sure...

As if on cue, The outside door to the crusade is knocked off it's hinges again (Folken: Why does everyone keep doing that?), and Van enters the ship, whistling "Hail the Conquering Hero". 

Van: Lovely day, isn't it?

Folken: Mm Hm, it sure is!

Dilandau: Someone got laid!

Folken: Look who's talking. So, Dil, who's the, um... crispy... girl?

Dilandau: Um... *They suddenly see the flicker of flames from beneath Hitomi's door*

Folken: Oh... I see. 

Merle: *enters room* Hi Lord Van!!!

Van: *rubs his temples* Please don't talk... ever.

Merle: Okay, Lord Van!!!

(Van twitches psychotically)

Suddenly, there is a loud crash from outside the ship, an moments later, a charred, bloody figure climbs through the open hatch. Van's eyes widen. Folken grimaces. Dilandau groans.

"Allen SHEAZAR?!? What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Allen tosses his golden (and slightly burnt) hair.

"Indeed, Dilandau, it seemed that way. Luckily, I was wearing my mother's old brooch under my shirt. It stopped Folken's sword from piercing my heart." 

Dilandau curses creatively. "Damn you Shaezar, why won't you die???" Allen is too busy staring at the flames in Hitomi's room to care about this comment. 

"I must save Hitomi! It is my duty, as a man, of course. Make a note of that. Man. That's M-A-..." Dilandau shoves Allen into the fire, provoking surprised yet not unpleased looks from the rest of the crowd. Dil shakes his head moodily.

"I have a headache, all right?" Allen remarks from the fire that his head is also beginning to hurt a bit. Dilandau remarks that this must be because Allen's hair is on fire, and adds more gasoline to the flames. Merle giggles loudly, resulting in her ending up with Allen in the fire. The author hums along with "Three Small Words" (You know, from Josie and the Pussycats!) And remarks that her cat is also named Merle. Hmm... Cool. Meow...

Dilandau, angry that he's not getting as much attention as usual, mutters that Emily is a betterfanfic writer anyway and marches off to join her story instead. Folken is whistling "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls (Just don't ask). Van O.D.s on Tylenol (Peace out, bro!) and gets very dizzy. Steph offers to kiss Folken's headache better (Folken: How do you kiss a headache bett... oh... OH!! *Grin*). All is calm, All is bright, I am tired, so goodnight!

C'est toute par maintenant!


End file.
